Photo by Gisella Giardino
A societal bias towards the attractive often has us convinced this is innate but there is nothing immoral or offensive about being unattractive
As kids, we learn quickly that physical attractiveness, or unattractiveness, carries with it a moral bias. This message begins in the stories our parents read to us in which the hero is often a pretty young girl or a dashingly handsome prince. The villain nurses big, oozing warts, a hook-nose, and scraggly hair. We turn this into a false but prevailing dichotomy — perfection equals good and imperfection equals bad.
We’re promised that we are these heroes. But if that promise holds, the next logical step is to conclude that we will one day be beautiful too. Kids with crooked teeth dream of straight pearly whites; those with mismatched eyes or breasts or limbs romanticize being ‘fixed’; teenagers with sunken chests or heavy jaws imagine growing bigger or at least growing into their looks. It’s a damning and harmful narrative, though, and one that confuses children. It’s not only dishonest, but destructive. Sometimes, you don’t grow into your looks; sometimes you stay the ugly duckling. And that’s okay.
“Instead of convincing everyone that they are equally beautiful, let’s accept the truth: some people are more attractive than others.”
It would be naïve to pretend that, as a whole, society does not favor the lucky ones who were born with symmetrical bone structure, thick hair, and proportionate bodies. But instead of convincing everyone that they are equally beautiful, let’s accept the truth: some people are more attractive than others. This is not meant as a callous statement, but rather a hopeful one — bear with me.
In a classroom, children are allowed to be bad at mathematics. It is a ‘permitted’ failure. Some people fare well with statistics, graphs and numbers, while others experience panic attacks during an algebra exam. When a child complains about being bad at math, we do not try and change their mind. It would seem rather absurd to tell them “no, no, you’re good at math! Just in a different way!” while they are pulling 60s on exams. Yet we do this very thing to those who complain that they are unattractive. However, there is no need to redefine the word “beautiful”. We just have to stop putting it at the top of our list of desired qualities.
“There is no need to redefine the word “beautiful”. We just have to stop putting it at the top of our list of desired qualities.”
I can appreciate how this concept might seem disheartening, but the reason an idea like this might cause offense is because we still do associate attractiveness with moral goodness. It is this outrageous problem we must fix, not our bodies. We should encourage our children to accept and love themselves no matter what they look like. There are numerous other qualities in life that are much more respectable, desirable, and yes, attractive: determination, honesty, curiosity, gratitude, kindness, bravery, selflessness, creativity, wit, and discipline, just to name a few. I do not say this to dismiss the very real pain of being bullied for our looks; I have been on the receiving end of many taunts. But our fairy tales can be re-written every day to show a myriad of different bodies and faces cast in familiar heroic roles. We should remain hopeful in the face of discrimination, and teach the simple truth that it is absolutely and morally okay to be unattractive.