Photo by Stephanie Prentice
Have your parents even sat down with you and spoke to you about sexual consent? Did you sit in a classroom, slightly uncomfortable while your teacher drilled “No Means No” into your head? Well in case you’re like me, and you never experienced that, here are some highlights: No does mean no, consent gives you complete and total control over your entire body, always and everywhere, no one can take it away from you, it doesn’t change according to what you are wearing, how much you’ve drank or what you may have stated previously, it is absolute when you make it absolute.
There are different types of consent, verbal consent, and non-verbal consent. Verbal is “yes” and “no”, non-verbal is body language, voluntary touching, and also, the absence of words (non-verbal, go figure). Consent feels like a very stiff word; maybe unsexy, some legal undertones, very official. All it really means is “let’s talk about sex”, it just needs to be people respecting people. Actively listening, truthfully sharing, and just talking about it, are all ways to practice sexual consent.
Sometimes it isn’t so easy. It isn’t always black or white, yes or no, sexy and not sexy. Sometimes it’s silence, crossed arms and closed legs, or sometimes, it is very devastating sexual abuse. Sometimes, it’s rape. We must also consider the “Yes” in sexual consent, both the use of the word, and the absence of the word. I refuse to actively support consenting adults and their decision to say “No,” while simultaneously shaming people who choose to say “Yes”. We cannot condemn a consenting adult’s decision to engage in sexual activities any more than we can condemn someone for exercising their right to say “No”. Instead, we need to ensure that all sides of consent can freely and comfortably be chosen. When “No” isn’t said, it doesn’t mean “Yes.” Most importantly, if they cannot speak, they are unconscious or they aren’t making any sense, it is not the time to try to have a conversation about sex.
I’ve had the consent talk with many of my partners, it should have been all of them, but I’ve grown and learned. I look forward to the talk, seeing their reaction, hearing their desires and dislikes, and creating guidelines; it forms comfort and excitement. Sometimes, it saves me from a situation I would have regretted the next day. Consent is empowering, it’s a sign of mutual respect and best of all, it makes for great sex.
Sometimes the concept gets confusing between two people who met in a bar, and people in committed relationships, and it shouldn’t be. In every sexual encounter, the rules still apply. Simply because you have made the decision to be exclusive, does not mean you have committed to engaging in sexual activities whenever, wherever. You don’t lose consent when you commit to someone.
Regardless of the ever-changing factors of life, love, and sex, sexual consent is the common denominator, the variable that never changes. If you have any questions or need more information, check out UBC Okanagan’s own S.A.R.A for resources, advice and upcoming events. Have a Happy Sexual Awareness Month, be safe, be respectful, be happy.